Comparative religion, reduced to basics

Where do we fit in?

Taoism     Shit happens
Confucianism Confucius says, "shit happens."
Buddhism If shit happens, it is not really shit.
Zen-Buddhism What is the sound of shit happening?
Hindism This shit happened before.
Islam If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Protestantism Let shit happen to someone else.
Catholicism If shit happens you deserve it.
Mormonism Shit doesn't happen to us.
Calvinism Shit is predestined to happen.
Presbyterianism Shit happens because it was planned that way.
Unitarianism We will study shit happening
Quakerism Bless the happening of the shit.
Methodism Shit will not happen to you unless you smoke, drink or dance.
Deism Shit happens everywhere
Deveel Whorship You will buy this shit.
Atheism Shit doesn't happen.
Agnosticism I don't know whether shit happens.
Dyslexism Tish happens.
Puritanism Shit happening is God's punishment.
Fundamentalism If the scriptures do not say shit happens, it does not happen.
Secular Humanism It is the fault of society that shit happens.
Liberation Theology It is the fault of the rich that shit happens
Dianetics Why does shit happen? See page 462.
Heaven's Gate Oh, my God! Shit didn't happen!
Communism Shit is required to happen to everybody.
Charasmatic Shit happens. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!
New Age Theology Shit happening leads to self awareness.
Existentialism There is nothing except shit happening.
Satanism We make shit happen.
Santaism He's making a shitlist and checking it twice.
TV Evangelism Watch the shit happen. (And please send money to help keep us on the air.)
Jehovah's Witnesses {Knock, knock} Excuse me, may I have five minutes of your time to tell you exactly why shit happens?
Judaism Why does shit always happen to us?
Hippiism Hey, man, try some of this goovy Columbian shit!
Paganism Shit above, shit below.
Wicca Shit will return threefold.
Hare Krishna Shit happens, shit happens, happens happens, shit shit.

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