| Taoism | Shit happens | |
| Confucianism | Confucius says, "shit happens." | |
| Buddhism | If shit happens, it is not really shit. | |
| Zen-Buddhism | What is the sound of shit happening? | |
| Hindism | This shit happened before. | |
| Islam | If shit happens, it is the will of Allah. | |
| Protestantism | Let shit happen to someone else. | |
| Catholicism | If shit happens you deserve it. | |
| Mormonism | Shit doesn't happen to us. | |
| Calvinism | Shit is predestined to happen. | |
| Presbyterianism | Shit happens because it was planned that way. | |
| Unitarianism | We will study shit happening | |
| Quakerism | Bless the happening of the shit. | |
| Methodism | Shit will not happen to you unless you smoke, drink or dance. | |
| Deism | Shit happens everywhere | |
| Deveel Whorship | You will buy this shit. | |
| Atheism | Shit doesn't happen. | |
| Agnosticism | I don't know whether shit happens. | |
| Dyslexism | Tish happens. | |
| Puritanism | Shit happening is God's punishment. | |
| Fundamentalism | If the scriptures do not say shit happens, it does not happen. | |
| Secular Humanism | It is the fault of society that shit happens. | |
| Liberation Theology | It is the fault of the rich that shit happens | |
| Dianetics | Why does shit happen? See page 462. | |
| Heaven's Gate | Oh, my God! Shit didn't happen! | |
| Communism | Shit is required to happen to everybody. | |
| Charasmatic | Shit happens. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! | |
| New Age Theology | Shit happening leads to self awareness. | |
| Existentialism | There is nothing except shit happening. | |
| Satanism | We make shit happen. | |
| Santaism | He's making a shitlist and checking it twice. | |
| TV Evangelism | Watch the shit happen. (And please send money to help keep us on the air.) | |
| Jehovah's Witnesses | {Knock, knock} Excuse me, may I have five minutes of your time to tell you exactly why shit happens? | |
| Judaism | Why does shit always happen to us? | |
| Hippiism | Hey, man, try some of this goovy Columbian shit! | |
| Paganism | Shit above, shit below. | |
| Wicca | Shit will return threefold. | |
| Hare Krishna | Shit happens, shit happens, happens happens, shit shit. |